


Twelve Years and Still No Lube

by Empress_of_Yaoi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Lube is fucking important for fucking, M/M, Sirius can never not call Snape 'Snivelus', Smut, Twelve Days of Smutness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:55:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28174281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empress_of_Yaoi/pseuds/Empress_of_Yaoi
Summary: After spending twelve long years in Azkaban, Sirius Black longs to spend at least 12 or so minutes with the lover he had to leave behind. But when your home is also the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, things get a little more... complicated. And crowded.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53
Collections: The Twelve Days of Smutness 2020





	Twelve Years and Still No Lube

Remus felt suddenly breathless as his body was pushed up against the wall, “Sirius-”    
  


Behind him, the other man leaned tightly against his back, his voice hoarse, “Have you been practicing the spell at all while I was away?” 

He struggled for a moment, feigning ignorance, “What spell?”    
  


“You know the one,” Sirius chuckled lightly, “I know I used to do it, but I find myself without a wand, these days. Of course, the more natural wand is working just fine,” angling his body, he pushed his hips into Remus.    
  


“Sirius!” The name was a furious whisper, the former Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher struggling to break free once more, “We’re not exactly alone in this house! Keep yourself in check!”    
  


“Oh, I know, Molly is around here somewhere. Arthur too. And then there’s Dumbledore coming and going as he pleases, and Severus too,” the man sounded somewhat bitter, “It’s my house, and I don’t even have my own key anymore.  _ However _ -”    
  


“However,” Remus interrupted quietly, “If you want anything, anything at all, take me up to your room.”    
  


The words were not wasted on the other man; swiftly moving back to allow Remus to leave the room first, Sirius followed closely behind. They made it up the first staircase, and almost made it to the second before a woman appeared in front of them. Hair a bundled mess on top of her head, cheeks flustered, she rested her fists on her hips, “Ah, Remus. Perfect timing -”    
  


“Not really…” Sirius was anything but subtle as he muttered, his eyes darkening at Molly Weasly.    
  


She pointedly ignored him, directing her words at Remus Lupin alone, “I could really use some help. There’s a colony of bats roosting up in the attic and -”    
  


Sirius let out a deep sigh, throwing an arm around Remus’ shoulder as he glared at the woman before them, “Give me ten minutes, fifteen tops. He’s all yours after that.”    
  


“Well, I  _ never _ -”    
  


Her words were immediately cut off by Remus himself as he turned to the long-haired man, “Excuse me? Ten minutes? You’ve got to be kidding me.”    
  


“If you honestly think that after twelve years in prison I’m gonna last any longer, I have bad news for you…”    
  


“Well if that’s all it’s going to take, you better give me two.” He ignored the fiercely blushing woman and the black-clad man below them on the first staircase, “It’s been twelve years after all.”    
  


“That’s fair.” Giving the woman a rapacious grin, he led Remus passed her, his arm securely placed around the other man’s shoulder, “I suppose you’re not going to be satisfied until I’ve exhausted you, huh?”    
  


“Hmm, it’s a good thing for you that my stamina has suffered over the past years.”    
  


“ _ Your _ stamina, you say?” Sirius teased, “At least you got plenty of fresh air and such. Good meals. Sleep.”    
  


“Ah-hah, yes…” Remus chuckled, “Which one of us had to deal with teenage witches and wizards again?”    
  


“Hmm?” Sirius gave him an innocent look, “Hogwarts is a pretty cushy life if you ask me, as long as you steer clear of Severus Snape, that is.”    
  


“I would love to steer clear of the both of you as well,” the man spoke dryly, “However you are currently blocking what is to be my temporary laboratory.”    
  


Shrugging, Sirius moved slightly to the left, motioning for Severus to pass them, but the potion master stood unmoving, “I would prefer you let me work in peace, Black. I have an intricate potion to complete before your plaything here turns into a nefarious beast next week.”    
  


Remus bit his lip to keep from laughing as Sirius once again shrugged, a mischievous expression on his face, “If you go take a good thorough shower we might let you in on some of the action, Snivelus. Only if you scrub  _ really  _ well, though.”    
  


The addressed man sneered, “Just stay out of my way,  _ Black _ . I have more important things to do.”    
  


As Severus spoke, Sirius mimed along, “The only reason I’m even here right now is because Dumbledore asked me to. I have a busy life with important meetings on top of teaching the imbecile that you call your godson -”   
  


Whatever the man was going to say next was cut off by Sirius’ palm hitting the door just beside him, “Don’t you dare talk about Harry that way. There’s no need to bring  _ children _ into this.”    
  


“Oh, I’m sure you would just  _ love _ to.” Severus’ face was a stone-cold mask, “It fits right along with your repugnant character.”    
  


Sirius roared with anger, but Remus wasn’t so easily incensed, taking Sirius by the arm as he pulled him into the room across from Severus’ laboratory, “Don’t go there, Severus.” He called over his shoulder, “One of these days he’s going to get a wand again, I’d rather not have to break up a duel between you two.” He didn’t mention that he was quite certain who would be winning said duel, as there was nothing to gain from enraging either of these men any more. 

Closing the door behind them, he pulled out his wand, mumbling a quick spell to muffle any sounds they’d be making before turning back to Sirius, a playful smile on his face, “About that spell… Which one was that again?”   
  


“Like you don’t know that,” Sirius chuckled, “Does the Shrieking Shack ring a bell?”    
  


“Several, actually.” He grinned, “You wouldn’t be thinking of that messy one, would you?”    
  


“Messy one?” Sirius thoughtfully rubbed his chin, “Would you rather I go in dry, then?”    
  


Remus rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean, Sirius. It takes for _ ever _ to wash away. Why can’t we just use lube like normal people?”    
  


“Beeeecause we’re not? I’m a wanted criminal and you’re - well, I can’t just go get us some lube, and neither can you right now.”    
  


“And why is that?”    
  


“Because I’m not letting you. I only have so long before Molly starts knocking on the door. Do you want me to open that door with you butt-naked on my bed? Because I will. If you make me wait any longer.”    
  


Remus let out a soft breath, there was just no arguing with the man when he was like this. Some things apparently never did change. “So maybe next time -”    
  


“I spent  _ years _ perfecting this spell and you’re  _ still _ complaining?”    
  


“Sirius…” But the look on the other man’s face told him it was of no use, he would revisit the subject another time. Preferably whilst already having purchased the item beforehand. For today, he would just have to accept that a long bath was going to be in order. He would just have to ask Molly - never mind. He really didn’t want to have that conversation.    
  


Before him, Sirius was already half-naked, urging him to do the same. It really brought him back, the times they’d had in the Shrieking Shack had always been hurried like this. The risk of James or Peter catching them had been thrilling then, but Remus was quickly figuring out that the reality of people knowing about them was a lot less enticing. The way Molly had looked at them was forever burned into his memories.    
  


Still, Remus wasted no time ridding himself of his clothes. He could feel Sirius’ eyes on him, watching as he revealed his bare skin. The moment he stepped out of his underwear, Sirius hands were on him; Pulling him close and into a searing hot kiss. Hands feverishly touched him everywhere Sirius could reach, pulling him closer and closer until there was no space left between them. Hands groped at his back, his shoulders, his backside, fingers slipping ever so deftly in between his cheeks.    
  


He tried to hold back his small yelp, but couldn’t help it. Sirius chuckled, pulling out of the kiss and whispering into Remus’ ear, “This would be a good time for that lubrication spell, don’t you think?”    
  


A soft moan escaped him, his hands gripping Sirius’ hips tight, “Just grab my wand, I never got the consistency anywhere near decent.”    
  


A naughty smile appeared on Sirius’ face, his hand immediately grabbing Remus’ cock and stroking it up and down a few times. Undecided between letting out the moan that was currently only held back by his clenched teeth or rolling his eyes up to the ceiling, Remus simply waited. As the other man shot him an amused look, cocking his head in confusion to the lack of response, Remus finally chuckled, “What? I’m not some horny teenager anymore, Sirius. That’s your shtick. I can be patient if you want to play that game. But unless you grab my actual wizard’s wand and cast that spell, there’s not much more that you can do…” Raising one eyebrow, he forced himself to seem composed.    
  


Sirius at least seemed impressed with Remus’ apparent composure. He gave the man an admiring look before leaning over and untangling Remus’ wand from the pile of clothes behind them. He held it for a few moments, clearly enjoying the feel of a real wand after so many years. Before long though, the man waved the ten-and-a-quarter Cypress wand in the odd pattern that was the hallmark of a self-invented - and as far as Remus was concerned, poorly made - spell.    
  


Immediately, amber colored, thick fluid sprung from the tip of Remus' wand. Sirius was clearly out of practice as he only barely managed to catch about half of it, coating Remus’ clothes in a perverse layer of the slick substance. Just great. Now he had no clothes to wear.    
  


For the moment though, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Sirius had at least managed to get a decent amount of the abhorrent substance; easily enough for what they had planned. Sirius made a small motion toward the bed, his hands busily attempting to keep a hold of the slippery stuff. Remus resisted the urge to slap the back of Sirius’ hands - he’d done that once before and would never forget the hour or so they’d spent cleaning between the floorboards of the Shrieking Shack. Cleaning spells never did work quite right on Sirius’ unholy concoction. But it worked for its intended use, at least. If this was indeed the use Sirius had intended when he came up with the spell, part of Remus doubted it, but he’d never found the courage to ask.    
  


He moved past the other man, leaning his hands on the headboard as he set his knees on the bed. Spreading his legs a little further, Remus awaited the cold wetness that was Sirius’ poor excuse for lube. Soon enough he felt it; a hand slipping between his cheeks, slicking him up as he attempted not to squirm too much. 

The cold hand that was touching him slipped down for a brief moment, coating his cock in the sinful, viscous liquid. Soon enough, he felt Sirius pressing up against him, pressing into him. The other man’s hands resting on Remus’ hips as his own swayed back and forth. A loud moan escaped him, drawn out by the sheer pleasure of feeling Sirius inside him again after all these years. Unfortunately for Remus, it was over much too soon. True to his word, Sirius had barely lasted long enough to give him a taste of what he’d been missing for these last twelve years.    
  


Sirius clung to his hips, fingers digging in deeply as he held on to Remus’ body as if he feared the man would disappear if he did not. Remus chuckled breathlessly, his words coming out in panted bursts, “I’m not… going anywhere, Sirius. There… there really is no need to… hold on to me like that…”    
  


“I know,” the man barked a short laugh, “I’m shaking so bad I can’t hold myself up…”    
  


He realized it now, feeling the man tremble behind him. But as much as Remus wanted to support him, Sirius’ nails dug painfully deep into his skin. The other man seemed to realize it now, too. There was some pressure as Sirius moved to lean his palms on Remus’ hips instead. This was better. This didn’t hurt.    
  


The hands on his backside slipped in the gooey liquid, Sirius’ face connecting to Remus’ buttocks with an audible thump. For a brief moment, his nose got caught between Remus’ buttcheeks, but soon enough Sirius slid down, his head finding a comfortable spot on Remus’ calf as he investigated his sore nose with gentle fingertips.    
  


Remus chuckled, his belly shaking as he found himself incapable of turning around while Sirius’ head laid on his leg. The absurdity of the situation roaring up his laughter until the sound filled the room. Of course their first time after twelve years wouldn’t go smoothly - sex had never gone smoothly between them before.    
  


Sirius shot him a mock-wounded look before joining in and laughing, lifting his head so that Remus could finally turn around. “Your behind is as hard as your head, Remus!”    
  


Still chuckling lightly, he turned on his back, pulling the other man on top of him so he could place a small kiss on Sirius’ nose, “You’re welcome.” At Sirius' confused look, he elaborated, “I got some exercise, figured you might enjoy some added muscle.” 

Shaking his head a little, Sirius gave him a warm smile, “You’re perfect as you are, Remus.”    
  


He blushed at the words, “You’ve gotten sentimental, old man.”    
  


Shrugging a little, Sirius snuggled up closer, “Let’s just say I realized how much I was missing out on.” He looked up at Remus, his eyes misty as he spoke ever so softly, “I don’t want to miss out on any more.”    
  


Remus swallowed thickly, emotion threatening to overcome him. He closed his eyes slowly, allowing for a few seconds to get himself back under control. “I don’t want to miss out on anything more either. I missed you. I missed you so much.”    
  


“ _ Bombarda! _ ”    
  


The only thing saving them from full exposure was Sirius’ quick response - pulling the blanket up and over them before the dust had settled. Remus was in shock, his limbs shook as his hand sought Sirius’ for support. Had Molly…?    
  


It wasn’t Molly Weasly, it wasn’t even Severus Snape - something Remus was silently grateful for. However when the dust of the blown-to-bits door settled, there was another redhead standing there. One that Remus was  _ sure _ he didn’t want to be naked around. Nor did he want to show his naked body to any of Ronald Weasley’s friends that stood behind him.    
  


“Ron…?” Sirius’ voice shook lightly, “What are…”

The teenager clearly didn’t have a response, his wand still half up in the air, a shocked expression on his face as he stared at the two men on the bed. Behind him, Hermione peeked out, her eyes almost instinctively studying the scene before her.    
  


“I think Fred and George lied to you, Ginny…” 

The girl in question fidgeted for a moment, swallowing hard before finally casting her eyes up, “They said they’d heard screaming from in here. That Professor Lupin and Sirius had an argument and they were worried it was going to…” she hesitated before continuing in an even quieter voice, “get physical…”    
  


Sirius sat up on the bed, all but neglecting the blanket as it fell down, catching it just in time to preserve some modesty. He pulled up one knee, resting his arm on it as he glanced back at Remus for a second before finally facing the teenagers by the door properly, “Oh, things got physical alright. Now, Would you four mind explaining why - even  _ if _ the troublesome twins were correct - you  _ blew my damned door out? _ Honestly, did no one ever teach you kids to knock?” 

“We  _ did _ knock,” Hermione protested, “There was no answer.”    
  


“And so you blew Sirius’ door out…” Remus finished weakly, his hands instinctively pulling up the blanket a little further.    
  


Stepping forward, Harry angled his chin a little as he did whenever his stubborn nature surfaced, “Hermione tried Alohomora first, but that didn’t work. And then there was this loud crash -”    
  


“I can assure you there was no crash,” Sirius slowly let his head fall down, bringing up his hand to meet his forehead, “There was quite a nice moment though,  _ before you blew my damned door up. _ ”   
  


Clearly annoyed now, Ron took a step forward, entering the room without so much as a thought as to what he was doing, “What  _ else _ was I supposed to do? No one answered, there was a loud bang and -”    
  


“Oh, be quiet, Ronald,” As she pulled him back, Hermione waved her wand, “Reparo.”    
  


Sirius pulled a face, “That’s not going to work.”    
  


Much to Remus’ dismay, the man was right. Hermione tried a few more times but gave up eventually, her eyes never coming up to face the two men on the bed, “I’m really sorry about this…”    
  


Sighing, Sirius started to get up - before realizing the only thing he had to cover himself with was the blanket he shared with Remus, “How about you just  _ leave _ ? We’ll sort this out over dinner, Molly will greatly enjoy it. Now,” he waved his hands at the teenagers, “Pip pip, cheerio and all that.”    
  


As the teenagers bashfully shuffled out, Ginny shot a hidden look back. Remus shot her a smug smile, wagging his finger at her as he held back his chuckles. After they’d left, he watched amusedly as Sirius made a wild dash for his wand, plucking it from the pile of clothes in front of the door. The clothes were still coated in the slippery substance Sirius called ‘lube’, the wand now equally glazed. It slipped out of his fingers once, then twice before he managed to aim it at the door. A quick flick of his wrist and a muttered spell later, a curtain bellowed out from Remus’ wand, sticking to the doorframe and blocking out unwanted eyes.    
  


Sirius gave him a little smile, “There, now at least we can get dressed in peace.” He sighed, reaching for his clothes.    
  


Remus frowned, sitting up properly and discarding the blanket now that there were no more prying eyes, “What are you doing, Sirius?”    
  


He stopped sifting through the pile of thoroughly lubricated clothing for a moment, confusion clear on his face. 

Getting up, Remus slowly walked over to the man still crouching on the floor, naked as the day he was born, “Are you going to tell me that twelve years in Azkaban messed with your memory too? You promised me something, Sirius,” his tone joked, but there was definitely a pout present as well.    
  


Sirius slowly got up, a lewd grin on his face, “I promised Molly I’d get you up in the attic in about fifteen minutes…”    
  


“You can have me soaring much higher than that, Sirius. You’re just too lazy to put the work in, aren’t you?” Remus chuckled lightly, a happy spark in his eyes.    
  


“I can put the work in, Remus...” Sirius hesitated for a moment, his eyes catching on the curtain that was softly dancing in the draft of the old house, “But they kind of blew my door out…”   
  


Shrugging, Remus closed the distance between them, his eyes flickering to the curtain before locking into Sirius’ eyes, “I see no issues here, do you?”    
  


“I… Guess not?” Still a little hesitant, Sirius' suggestive grin returned.    
  


Remus easily returned the lewd smile with equal vigor, “So, are you still up for round two?” Reaching out his hand to the other man’s cock, he gave a dirty wink, “I feel like it’s our turn to cum with a bang.” 


End file.
